My Mayan Bucket List

Fears that the end of the world is nigh have spread across the world with only days until the end of the Mayan calendar, with doomsday-mongers predicting a cataclysmic end to the history of Earth.

With this is in mind, I have prepared my bucket list, gloves are off and I plan to go out in a burst of flames. The date is December 21. Be well my friends.

1- Tweak my lozenge-patch invention. Forehead application is still a bit cumbersome.

2-Replicate John Mayer’s ability to fake sensitivity and likability in verse only.

3- Witness a Mexican stand-off, involving actual Mexicans.

4- Text “I hid the body, now what?” to a random number.

5- Buy out an entire Maroon 5 concert so Adam Levine will just see me megaphoning “Why do you exist”?

6- Borrow deep, and put every dollar in $AAPL puts, if I’m right, and with next day settlement on options, I can have a grand party in St. Lucia with all my friends. If I’m wrong, well who cares.

7- Have martinis and make witty comments at the Algonquin Hotel in New York, preferably at a round table.

8- Kick Eric Clapton’s ass in “Guitar Hero.”

9- Figure out what the hell “Lost” is about. [This item also works for “The Prisoner,” “Twin Peaks,” “Cloverfield,” and the popularity of Oprah.]

10- Bid for a stock without an algo going ahead of me. Just once.

11- Cancel all high frequency trading for the next two weeks.

12- Put SAC Capital’s trading room on truth serum.

13- Force Mary Shapiro of the SEC to rap all of her accomplishments at a Jay-Z concert.

14- Put Capitol Hill under the cone of silence.

15- Bluff on a million dollar hand of poker.

16- Confess to my wife that , “Yes, I am a hoarder”

17- Send my screenplay for “Myron, the Schizophrenic Mayan” to DreamWorks for a fast green light.

18- Work on a goth version of “The Gift of the Magi” which ends in a murder-suicide pact.

19- Head to an Asian karaoke bar with my queens to live vicariously through Whitney Houston and Madonna songs from the 80s.

20- Hand out T-shirts that say “I have my whole life behind me.”

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