Why I Completley Distrust Doctors and Wish Dr. House Was Real

Question: What do you call a D student who graduated medical school? Answer: Doctor

How do you know if the guy that gropes and tests you got an A or a D in med school? You don’t. It’s like boarding a 747 after the pilot went on a coke binge, killed his wife,  left her on the kitchen floor, had a few Mimosas and then started up the engines to fly you over the Atlantic. It’s a trust thing, you have no control.

I always said if I had anything really wrong with me I would want Dr. House to do the operation as he is the only Dr. I could see myself trusting. Unfortunately he isn’t real so that ain’t happening.

Over the past year I have had some intermittent stomach pain. I chalked it up to a bad burrito or the occasional Big Mac. Lately though, the pain was more frequent, and over the last two weeks the pain which used to last twenty minutes, has duration of three to ten hours. The way I can describe this pain is simple. If you remember the last scene of Braveheart when Mel Gibson had his entrails ripped out, well, that’s how it feels.

So I did what I have never done. I went to WebMD because of extreme curiosity. My Mom had her gall bladder removed years back and that is what I thought it might be. Anyway after my search, I found that I had about ten out of ten of the symptoms of gall stones. I knew it had to be gall stones.

I went to my Doctor the next day and described my symptoms. I told him that my Mom had gall bladder issues and I thought I may have the same thing. He looked at me thoughtfully and said ” I really doubt it, I think you may have really bad indigestion”. He sent me for a full abdominal sonogram and an upper gastro test which required me to drink about a pint of a chalk like substance.

After the test I described my symptoms again to this new Doctor in extreme detail. He was the” specialist”. He looked at me and said something that I never though an expert in this area would say. ” Hmm, I never heard of this”, he then asked “Do you have stress?” I responded that I was on wall Street for over twenty years, trade stocks and have two teenagers, what do you think Dr. Shit For Brains? No I didn’t call him shit for brains, but I wanted to.

Friday I got the results back. It was my gall bladder. Schmucks.

This is a minimally invasive procedure these days and I will have this useless organ ripped out in the next week or two. I just hope i don’t get the D student.

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