Time For Me To Come Clean About My Stock Picks

My calls have been pretty good over the last year, long and short. This weekend I had an epiphany though while I was planting Impatience around the house for Mrs. Upside.  A bolt of lightening came roaring down from the heavens and God appeared, (he was wearing Armani), and ordered me to come clean about my market strategy. Fearing the worst I acquiesced.  Here are my dirty little secrets.

I have an expert network living with me, they come and go as they please and I pay all airfare as they roam the country ferreting out quality inside information for me,. They were all unemployed when I hired them, so they were all anxious for a fresh start. They work like busy little badgers.

At great personal expense I hired some Harvard drop outs to hack all calls and emails between Geithner, Bernanke and Blankfein. This was costly, but it paid for itself with my first illicit trade. These kids keep asking me if we are the next Facebook, I tell them we will be even bigger, and order them back to work. They worship me and think I’m smarter than Zuckerberg. Their cut is 5%.

I have all major financial publications on my cash payroll globally, so I do get to see tomorrow’s newspaper before the masses. It can’t be emailed though, as we try our best to avoid any paper trail, so as a result I have at least sixty five paper boys at my house every morning at 5AM.  My neighbors think I’m doing a research project on the lives of paper boys.  The neighbors that doubted me get my ideas first, they have now gone silent with big smiles. They need to be kept quiet. They are however, being watched.

CEO blackmail is a last resort, but I have one photographer who was itching to go. Annie Leibovitz, the millionaire photographer who went bankrupt, offered me her services for a 3% take. She also threw in free head shots of me that will appear in an upcoming Vanity Fair piece about inside information. I get the cover. A picture really can tell a thousand words, and this approach works particularly well in the analyst community. All of the top ten bulge bracket analyst have standing instructions to  “call Joe first”.  What would their polka dot head band wearing wives in Greenwich, CT. think if they really knew the truth about Biff at Morgan?  What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas with my program. Not at all. Veiled threats work well under this scenario too, and it doesn’t require any muscle.

Some from the mainstream media are also down with my program, Katie Couric, recently “unrenewed” at CBS, will be promoting all my stocks on her new Mark Burnett reality show, ” Inside Information and You: Profit From the Insanity”. Michael Moore and Olberman have begged to be involved at Al Gore’s Current TV, this could be huge, although viewership is light at ten people. Glen Beck, recently canned at Fox, has reluctantly signed on, but  said if I say “Marxist” at least once a day he would come on board with guns blazing..  I’m cool with that, as I have my own agenda and placating these idiots is also fun.

Lastly, I’d like to thank all of my well placed SEC moles. I found that most new hires at this broken bureaucracy have taken the bar exam at least twelve times and had an average GPA of 2.2 from law school. These folks were easy pickings and the input I received from them about filings and potential enforcement actions was invaluable. They agreed to 1% of the profits. Good luck next week.

**** Special thanks to: Ivan Boesky, Raj, Angelo Mozilo, Ken Lay, SAC Capital, R. Foster Winans, Martha Stewart and all the others, you know who you are.

There are several  guys with baseball caps and gold shields at my front door, brb.

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